Struggle

I almost have forgotten the agony my body image puts me through every single day since I could remember. All my life I've been in and out of diets, I'm convinced it has harmed my brain cells. I envy people that are just okay with there weight. They eat care free without no worries, I wish I could do the same, but I cant. Every bite I take i record in my mind, and every time I am done I ask myself why? I just want to be happy with myself, and its never going happen unless I loose weight.

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A lot on my mind..

Its been a while since I've blogged anything. Everything I feel I kinda just bottle it inside. Well where can I start tomorrow I'll be 33 weeks thank god. I guess things are going by pretty quickly, but march still seems years away for some reason. I am just hanging in here waiting for my life to begin, It hasnt hit me yet, but I know it will soon. I start school in September and I will also be a mother. I know its easier said than done. I don't have anything ready just a few outfits and that's it. I guess you can say I don't believe in " nesting", I cant get things ready because I feel like I should'nt until he is born and in my arms. I want to be all prepared and stuff but I just cant bring myself to do it since its still so unreal to me. I know its too late to feel this way but I cant believe I'm pregnant, and went through with it. I'm sitting here and writing this and at the same time I'm dosing off, I'm very dizzy and I have a nasty taste in my mouth, I could barely breath and its becoming harder to get around. I'm extremely tired but not sleepy, my stomach feels empty but theirs nothing left to eat. I eat like no tomorrow, but still not satisfied. Its the wonderful joy of pregnancy, you will never know how it is unless you experience it yourself. Now I understand why when people cant have kids it takes such a big tole in their lives.. although this has been pretty traumatic, its an experience that I got to live, and experience that many don't have an opportunity to feel whether is a positive or negative one. Well i guess that is all for today later dayss.. <3