I'm sick of the lifestyle I live. I'm sick of worrying of what I will eat tomorrow what I will eat now and what I will eat later. Every day seems to not go by fast enough. I want everyday to go and leave I'm tired of the agony and hunger. But I can't seem to get better. I cant live like this but I cant stop. Im so afraid of not being perfect. I am broken so broken.

My life as you know it

I haven't written In a while, but I'm going to start now. Maybe since i cant bring myself to go to therapy i would write about them maybe that will make me feel better about my life. I guess besides being a single young mother I have more struggles which take part of my whole day. Its like a burden that i wish i could bury a thousand feet underground. My struggle with food is killing me. Its killing my path to success. Its killing my brain cells because thats all i ever think of. There is nothing more important than gaining or losing weight. I'm just afraid I wont ever over come this. Starving hurts but hunger works.. I can't go shopping I cant go into a supermarket without feeling like the food is haunting me. When i look into the mirror I see a monster staring back at me.

Struggle

I almost have forgotten the agony my body image puts me through every single day since I could remember. All my life I've been in and out of diets, I'm convinced it has harmed my brain cells. I envy people that are just okay with there weight. They eat care free without no worries, I wish I could do the same, but I cant. Every bite I take i record in my mind, and every time I am done I ask myself why? I just want to be happy with myself, and its never going happen unless I loose weight.

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A lot on my mind..

Its been a while since I've blogged anything. Everything I feel I kinda just bottle it inside. Well where can I start tomorrow I'll be 33 weeks thank god. I guess things are going by pretty quickly, but march still seems years away for some reason. I am just hanging in here waiting for my life to begin, It hasnt hit me yet, but I know it will soon. I start school in September and I will also be a mother. I know its easier said than done. I don't have anything ready just a few outfits and that's it. I guess you can say I don't believe in " nesting", I cant get things ready because I feel like I should'nt until he is born and in my arms. I want to be all prepared and stuff but I just cant bring myself to do it since its still so unreal to me. I know its too late to feel this way but I cant believe I'm pregnant, and went through with it. I'm sitting here and writing this and at the same time I'm dosing off, I'm very dizzy and I have a nasty taste in my mouth, I could barely breath and its becoming harder to get around. I'm extremely tired but not sleepy, my stomach feels empty but theirs nothing left to eat. I eat like no tomorrow, but still not satisfied. Its the wonderful joy of pregnancy, you will never know how it is unless you experience it yourself. Now I understand why when people cant have kids it takes such a big tole in their lives.. although this has been pretty traumatic, its an experience that I got to live, and experience that many don't have an opportunity to feel whether is a positive or negative one. Well i guess that is all for today later dayss.. <3

I need a name ...

Lets start buy saying that its extremely cold outside, and it was snowing, so I haven't left my house in like 3 days. Sometimes doing absolutely nothing is quiet boring, but sometimes its pretty nice. Any how my main concern at the moment is not big but annoying. I need a baby name because I'm tired of calling my son, " the baby" , or " mi gordo", and every time I start looking I get annoyed because the names are really ugly; it irritates me. I have a long way to go but days pass like seconds in the world we live. There is so many things I need to do, and such little time to do it....

Stephanie

Blood Shot red

My eyes are blood shot red,
It started off with only one eye, and progressed to the next
Its like my one diseased eye didint want to be alone and asked for that one final request
Which, didnt leave him clear from the insest because now they were both blood shot red,
you know that feeling where your in so much pain that your heart starts beating faster and faster and you start hearing it out loud,
Sometimes you think that if someone was out to get you they would find you in a crowd
That's the anger and pain building up in your heart
It started slowly and you could barely hear it but it was their from the start
and it cresendoed into such a loud beat that it frightened me
That's when I felt warm tears falling down my dry cold cheek and a loud gasp coming out my mouth
I couldn't stop weeping, my hands began to tremble in desperation and my mind was lost, it was far from my body, it was unknown to existence.
I gazed into your eyes and in the reflection of your glossy black pupil I saw my blood shot red eyes to only remember that I have a mind and a soul, to only remember that their was a reason why I was numb, to only remember the reason. To remember something I didn't want to know. Even sleeping I remember because I feel my blood shot red eyes throbbing and burning like if they were to light on fire. I wake up and they are as red as they were yesterday, only to fill my mind with horrific memories, only to take me back in time. Only to remind me that I won't be able to hide from the truth, that no matter how far I run, I won't be able to hide from reality.